I feel like today is a sparkle and turquoise kind of day. Also, I'm obsessed with Adele...by obsessed, well, you probably get the general idea.
It started with Facebook (doesn't it always?) when I read a status update from a long-time friend who was having a rough spat yesterday(I'd be having a rough spat too if some guy ran up to me, complimented me and then ran away. Oh Running Bull, you shall never be forgotten). She's not normally one to complain (or ever for that matter) but she was kind of. I listened, or read, and said what I could. Her status this morning read "I flit around and spread my sparkle". In my head, I was thinking, well damn, maybe she should spread some sparkle my way. Wouldn't that be lovely? Kind of...Peter Pan like if you will. Think happy thoughts and with a little pixie dust you can fly? Or something.
In any case, she sends me a text '*sparkle* you're awesome. smile beautiful". I don't know how I could ask for a better friend than that. Truth telling (even when I KNOW I don't want to hear it) but at the same time, does it for my own benefit, and makes things easier for me :) Needless to say, she's pretty awesome.
On to the turquoise part of my day...I started a new job just a few weeks ago. Working for my dad is proving to be more challenging than I thought, but we've come to the conclusion that even though, I'm his daughter, he doesn't get to be mean to me, and I don't get to be mean to him back. It's tough having a rational conversation with someone when both are totally hot-headed and stubborn.
So every day, I have a checklist of things to do. Send this email, type this letter so on and so forth. Usually, I accomplish these things and check them off with a pink pencil. Not today! Today will be turquoise. I don't know why, but that's the color I'm feeling today.
I have to get back to typing letters before the big boss comes back from his meeting. That could be bad... :)
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
never gonna leave this bed.
Listening to love songs today made me realize I am too damn tired of love. I am disgusted with love and its expectations. I am disgusted with how love can leave you so hurt. I am furious of how badly people treat the ones they love, or THE one they love. The thought of love makes my stomach hurt, makes my blood boil, makes my body tense up. The fact that love can bring such happiness, at the exact time it can bring your life crumbling down- is sickening and absolutely absurd.
Maybe I've loved too much. Maybe I am too nice, too kind, too caring, too open, too easy to fall in love- that maybe I am doing this to myself. Maybe I love people so easily, too loosely. Maybe I give my heart up too fast. Or maybe I've never had true love in the first place. Because if any of my love in that past was true love, well it wouldnt be in the past, would it? What the fuck is true love anyways? Who is to determine whats true and whats not true? Are their stages of love that we fall in and out of? And if thats the case, why the fuck is that acceptable? Why do we let ourselves love when its not mad, and passionate love? Why do we give our hearts over to people who don't even realize how precious, fragile, and unique it is? Why do we allow mediocre love? Are we so inclined just to feel accepted and desirable that we let ourselves love people that aren't worthy of our love? Why do we allow for ourselves to come crashing down because of something mediocre?
I have been hurt way too many times, I have cried way to many tears, The gaping hole in my chest has grown way too large and dark, and the hurt in my heart has grown way too tight. I have bit my tongue too many times, I have accepted more bullshit than anyone should ever accept. I am done. Mark my mother-fucking-word. I am completely over this nonsense. I am strong, and beautiful, and intelligent, and interesting, and natural, and charming, and simple, and complicated, and barefoot, and hilarious, and strange, and uncoordinated, and wonderful, and laid back, and unique, and without makeup, and creative, and goofy, and silly, and imperfect, and smiley, and grumpy, and loud, and quiet, and under-dressed, and competitive, and sweet, and messy, and clumsy, and pretty, and full of love.
And its about time some guy realizes that, and I won't accept someone who doesn't accept all those things. I have goals, and plans and hopes and dreams and desires and I'll be damned to let some ridiculous, rude, critical, heart break take that from me!!! I refuse to have mediocre love. I refuse to give my heart over again. I refuse to put myself through the pain again. I refuse love, until the right love stumbles along, until the right man is ready to fight for me, until he is ready to make sacrifices, until he is mature enough to have a real relationship, until he is man enough not to run when times get tough... I'm not saying I am refusing men all together- because God knows I've got a soft spot for warm arms, slow kisses, uncontrollable laughs, beer and football and the sweet sweet smells of a man. But when it comes to love, I am drawing the line.
Maybe I've loved too much. Maybe I am too nice, too kind, too caring, too open, too easy to fall in love- that maybe I am doing this to myself. Maybe I love people so easily, too loosely. Maybe I give my heart up too fast. Or maybe I've never had true love in the first place. Because if any of my love in that past was true love, well it wouldnt be in the past, would it? What the fuck is true love anyways? Who is to determine whats true and whats not true? Are their stages of love that we fall in and out of? And if thats the case, why the fuck is that acceptable? Why do we let ourselves love when its not mad, and passionate love? Why do we give our hearts over to people who don't even realize how precious, fragile, and unique it is? Why do we allow mediocre love? Are we so inclined just to feel accepted and desirable that we let ourselves love people that aren't worthy of our love? Why do we allow for ourselves to come crashing down because of something mediocre?
I have been hurt way too many times, I have cried way to many tears, The gaping hole in my chest has grown way too large and dark, and the hurt in my heart has grown way too tight. I have bit my tongue too many times, I have accepted more bullshit than anyone should ever accept. I am done. Mark my mother-fucking-word. I am completely over this nonsense. I am strong, and beautiful, and intelligent, and interesting, and natural, and charming, and simple, and complicated, and barefoot, and hilarious, and strange, and uncoordinated, and wonderful, and laid back, and unique, and without makeup, and creative, and goofy, and silly, and imperfect, and smiley, and grumpy, and loud, and quiet, and under-dressed, and competitive, and sweet, and messy, and clumsy, and pretty, and full of love.
And its about time some guy realizes that, and I won't accept someone who doesn't accept all those things. I have goals, and plans and hopes and dreams and desires and I'll be damned to let some ridiculous, rude, critical, heart break take that from me!!! I refuse to have mediocre love. I refuse to give my heart over again. I refuse to put myself through the pain again. I refuse love, until the right love stumbles along, until the right man is ready to fight for me, until he is ready to make sacrifices, until he is mature enough to have a real relationship, until he is man enough not to run when times get tough... I'm not saying I am refusing men all together- because God knows I've got a soft spot for warm arms, slow kisses, uncontrollable laughs, beer and football and the sweet sweet smells of a man. But when it comes to love, I am drawing the line.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
One of the biggest lessons I've learned in the past year was taught to me by an author, Tom Robbins. The lesson he taught me says simply this:
"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love."
The implications of this seemingly simple quote are vast, and my life as changed remarkably since first reading it. Everytime I think of the quote, it teaches me something new about love and others.
We waste time. He was two years of my life. My high school love. I was a wreck without him. My love for him consumed my every thought daily. Wasted time? No. I'll never say that. I learned a thousand different things and loved greater than I could have imagined prior to knowing him. Love is never a waste of time.
But you know what was a waste of time? The fighting. The screaming. The impatience. Funny, how impatience wastes more time than it saves. Yes, I loved him, but there were many times when I did not act like it. There were many times, on his part, where he didn't either. And why? Because of petty insecurities. Because of selfishness. Because of thoughts that were not loving that should have been beaten into the ground with a very large stick at their very conceptions. All of these things were a waste of time that could have been saved had I taken a breath and said, "I love you, no matter what happens. Help me fix this, because we love each other, not because one of us is wrong or right." Unconditional love.
Looking for the perfect lover. We all know that perfection does not exist. We know it, but sometimes we don't think it. There is no such thing as a flawless person and if you're looking for someone without flaws, you'll be looking for a very long time. We can never be perfect people, and we will never find one.
Consequently, searching for perfection in a person you already love will result only in hurt feelings and disappointment. Molding someone to meet your idea of perfection is foolish, to say the least, and selfish, to say a bit more. The fact is, if you're looking for perfection in someone else, they're probably going to start looking for perfection in you, which I promise you is a summit of which you'll never reach the top.
I tried so hard to get him to change for me - even though I never would have admitted it at the time. I wanted to believe I was doing what you're supposed to do, by begging him to open up to me, by yelling at him, by nagging him. The fact is, the things he was doing were hurting me and they were hurting the relationship, and I'm pretty sure they were hurting him, but changing him for the sake of making him perfect was not the way to go about doing it. For one thing, if the other person doesn't want to change, you're not going to get anywhere. For another, why should he have to change who he is in order for me to love him? That is not the way love works, because if it did, there would be no such thing as love.
Instead of creating the perfect love. The idea that love is created is a beautiful one to me. It isn't found. It isn't chance that makes us love someone, but our own creation. Which means, of course, that it is my responsibility to love someone the best way that I know how.
What is the perfect love? I think that changes for every group of people, but I know what mine is. Acceptance. Caring. Loyalty. Excitement. Learning. Teaching. Honesty. Trust. Forgiveness. These are things people struggle with. I do. Everyday. But the fact is, if you show someone unconditional love, they will be more inclined to show it to you.
Everyone says that love isn't easy, but most of them believe in love being chance. And maybe there's some aspect of luck in it. But I say love isn't easy because love is conscious. It is a decision, and one that many people have to make compromises for. We're told that if you have to change yourself to be with someone, you need to get out, which is true to some extent. But, guess what, if you're not willing to sacrifice anything? You don't have any idea what love is.
Through broken hearts and shattered love, I am trying to love like this. I promise, for what it's worth, that at the end of the day, this will be my default. Even if I have to reset everything to get back there, I'll do it. I'm going to slip up - so is he. But that's what creating the perfect love means: making a way to be together through everything.
I'll give you the stars if you'll find me the moon.
Had I realized these things three years ago, one year ago, perhaps things would be very different. As it is, I think I realized them at exactly the right time. I will always love again.
"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love."
The implications of this seemingly simple quote are vast, and my life as changed remarkably since first reading it. Everytime I think of the quote, it teaches me something new about love and others.
We waste time. He was two years of my life. My high school love. I was a wreck without him. My love for him consumed my every thought daily. Wasted time? No. I'll never say that. I learned a thousand different things and loved greater than I could have imagined prior to knowing him. Love is never a waste of time.
But you know what was a waste of time? The fighting. The screaming. The impatience. Funny, how impatience wastes more time than it saves. Yes, I loved him, but there were many times when I did not act like it. There were many times, on his part, where he didn't either. And why? Because of petty insecurities. Because of selfishness. Because of thoughts that were not loving that should have been beaten into the ground with a very large stick at their very conceptions. All of these things were a waste of time that could have been saved had I taken a breath and said, "I love you, no matter what happens. Help me fix this, because we love each other, not because one of us is wrong or right." Unconditional love.
Looking for the perfect lover. We all know that perfection does not exist. We know it, but sometimes we don't think it. There is no such thing as a flawless person and if you're looking for someone without flaws, you'll be looking for a very long time. We can never be perfect people, and we will never find one.
Consequently, searching for perfection in a person you already love will result only in hurt feelings and disappointment. Molding someone to meet your idea of perfection is foolish, to say the least, and selfish, to say a bit more. The fact is, if you're looking for perfection in someone else, they're probably going to start looking for perfection in you, which I promise you is a summit of which you'll never reach the top.
I tried so hard to get him to change for me - even though I never would have admitted it at the time. I wanted to believe I was doing what you're supposed to do, by begging him to open up to me, by yelling at him, by nagging him. The fact is, the things he was doing were hurting me and they were hurting the relationship, and I'm pretty sure they were hurting him, but changing him for the sake of making him perfect was not the way to go about doing it. For one thing, if the other person doesn't want to change, you're not going to get anywhere. For another, why should he have to change who he is in order for me to love him? That is not the way love works, because if it did, there would be no such thing as love.
Instead of creating the perfect love. The idea that love is created is a beautiful one to me. It isn't found. It isn't chance that makes us love someone, but our own creation. Which means, of course, that it is my responsibility to love someone the best way that I know how.
What is the perfect love? I think that changes for every group of people, but I know what mine is. Acceptance. Caring. Loyalty. Excitement. Learning. Teaching. Honesty. Trust. Forgiveness. These are things people struggle with. I do. Everyday. But the fact is, if you show someone unconditional love, they will be more inclined to show it to you.
Everyone says that love isn't easy, but most of them believe in love being chance. And maybe there's some aspect of luck in it. But I say love isn't easy because love is conscious. It is a decision, and one that many people have to make compromises for. We're told that if you have to change yourself to be with someone, you need to get out, which is true to some extent. But, guess what, if you're not willing to sacrifice anything? You don't have any idea what love is.
Through broken hearts and shattered love, I am trying to love like this. I promise, for what it's worth, that at the end of the day, this will be my default. Even if I have to reset everything to get back there, I'll do it. I'm going to slip up - so is he. But that's what creating the perfect love means: making a way to be together through everything.
I'll give you the stars if you'll find me the moon.
Had I realized these things three years ago, one year ago, perhaps things would be very different. As it is, I think I realized them at exactly the right time. I will always love again.
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